I haven't blogged in so long.
I haven't seen my blog in years.
As this week has been a rough one for us. We have had so many friends, family etc. call, pm me Facebook and extend love and concern for our sweet Collins. I thought how do I go about sharing my thoughts and feelings. Do I want people to know about her? I certainly don't want to label my child and don't want others to do so either. My blog came to my mind and decided this was good time to bring it back and way to get out how I feel and to share with others, those who have asked "what's wrong!" So here goes nothing!
From the moment I had Collins there was something special about her. Not that my other children aren't special but from the moment I held her there was just this something, something I felt about her that was different.
As she stared to grow we noticed that she wasn't meeting milestones that she was supposed to. So many times every one around us would share stories with us like "my kid took a long time to do such an such" but as a mom I just knew something wasn't right. As kind as people were to encourage me and say "she's fine, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about." In my heart. My instinct as mother. I just knew. At times I admit I would internally get frustrated, sometimes angry with people as I was often told, "she doesn't look handicap" " your making it to big of a deal." "You have to stop comparing her to your other children." I knew people meant well, but in my heart, well a mom just knows.
Visiting with our Pediatrician who agreed that something just wasn't matching up. So begin our journey of what's wrong and why. We started with simple things. X-rays. Everything was fine there. Secretly I was hoping all the things that had been said to us would prove me wrong and we would find nothing and I was just being and over dramatic mom. We did blood work and some other tests. Everything was fine there. As we continued down this path we just weren't finding anything as to why she didn't start sitting up until she was one. Why everything startled her and she would cry for hours. Why she had no interest in speaking. Why she choked all the time, once scaring me so bad I thought I needed to call an ambulance. She was so purple and I swear minutes had gone by that she wasn't getting any oxygen to her brain.
Why it wasn't until she was eighteen months she finally started to crawl, not on all fours but army crawl. Why we still aren't talking. Let me tell you something about Collins she is so smart. Often times doing things that surprised me. She wasn't meeting milestones but I knew she was a smart little girl and I just couldn't understand why. At eighteen months we decided it was finally time to get involved in early intervention. They came. They evaluated, she scored so low on everything that we were approved. They couldn't tell us anything either as to why.
She made great strides in physical therapy. She made my worries as a mother a little less. All my what if she never, at ease. She was finally walking! It took her a year. She was progressing. I was a proud mom. Now I don't want you think I never had faith in her, faith that she could do hard things. For the most part I am and optimistic person and a positive, up beat person. But as a mom you just worry. You want the best for your child. You want them to experience everything they can, to learn and grow.
Finally it was suggested to us that we visit with and orthopedic doctor at Shriner's hospital to be fitted for inserts and talk about a diagnosis. We meet with her and were given the diagnosis of Hyper tonic Cerebral Palsy. An MRI was ordered. Wow, what did we just hear! When I think of someone having CP so much comes to my mind. But Collins didn't fit the mold of what I thought I knew about it. So many thoughts and feelings coursed through Dave and I. We went back to the car and both of us just cried. What did all this mean? What did this mean for Collins and her life? So many questions like, how did this happen? Collins had a traumatic birth. Cord wrapped around her neck, broken collar bone and a collapsed lung. All my thoughts raced to that day. Was that the cause? Did the doctors miss something? I wasn't sure how to feel. We collected our thoughts and reminded our self that we still hadn't had her MRI and slayed a prayer in hopes that her brain was not involved. December came and it was MRI time. Collins did so well even while getting poked for an IV she still was willing to give out hugs to all the nurses in the room, even the ones that poked her. If any one knows Collins knows she is such a sweet girl she loves to hug everyone even random strangers especially when we are shopping at Costco. Its her way of saying thank you for all the great food samples. This is something I love about her. She loves everyone and wants to love on everyone.
Christmas came, New Years came and we waited patiently waited for the phone call, the one that I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear. It came. The messenger on the phone was kind but his voice got soft and quite "I hate to inform you Mrs. Gallagher but we found somethings some brain Admiralties that are concerning. Things that we don't want to discuss over the phone. We need you to come in as soon as possible and meet with the Neurologist. Can you be here tomorrow." OF COURSE! Getting off the phone so many more thoughts. What are they going to say to us? Whats wrong that they just can't tell me over the phone? The next day came. trying to not read into things trying to not let myself go there. Our PT had said the day before we went in, sometimes when they call parents in like that it could mean something bad like a tumor. "Oh please not that!" I thought, don't go there Brooke!
We arrived and were taken back right away. It seemed like forever. Dr. Kerr came in and told us what her brain scans said. Some where in my pregnancy Collins lost some of her brain cells. Which means you have a right side and a left side of the brain and the brain cells or tracks are what connect the two together. Collins is missing half of what the normal person is born with. She wont get these back. We have a part of the brain called the Basal Ganglia, both of Collins BG are dysmorphic meaning that are shaped oddly. The BG is the part of the brain were it forms habits and then maintains the repetition of the habit. It also controls motor and breathing. There are different parts of the Basal Ganglia one part in particular is more rounded then it supposed to be and larger in volume as well. Her head and brain are also not growing as fast as they should but so far not a huge concern for the doctors at this moment. Being told that there not sure if she will ever talk.
So there we have it. We will have to see the neurologist every 6 months to watch the growth of her head. Will be taking on a new speech therapist along with our wonderful other one. Collins starts a special toddler class or did start last week really. And we will continue with our other three wonderful therapist at home.
We have so many questions. Lot of them which cannot be answered, but only time will tell what will become of Collins life. I have been up and down in the feeling department. Moments of tears running down my face wondering if she will have everything in life I wanted her to. I've done the guilt thing. Was there something I could have done different in my pregnancy? Feeling like not again. We already have one other child with a physical deformity's. Warner's cleft lip. Now I have another one. What have I done.
But because of my faith and what I believe in. Everything will be just fine!
I believe that Heavenly father has a plan for us, plans we may not understand. I try to look at the positive and am grateful that it could be so much worse. I'm grateful that cognitively she is just fine and she understands. She really is a smart little girl. I am grateful that when I am feeling down or scared about not knowing what's around the corner the Saviour is there by side to comfort me. I can feel it. There will be days that are hard for her. Days like now that we face every day. Days were she gets tired from walking and we have to carry her. Days were she is so clumsy because of her muscle control. I look forward to hearing her voice when ever that will be as much as I love her sweet signing I can't wait to her "I love you!" We will treat her like the rest of our other children except for she has a disadvantage that makes achievement difficult. That she can do hard things. But really everyone has a Handicap. Anything is possible and we will in courage her to work hard and support her along this bumpy road. Most of all it's this sweet little girl without knowing it, in courage's me to be her best mom I can. She has no idea what's going on. I love how she tries so hard to be one of the big kids. Doesn't want to be left out of anything, and try's so hard to keep up with them. It's this happy attitude that she carries around with her that I hope to always have something I admire in my two an half year old.