Do you remember when you were a little kid and having that moment when you realize your parents are going to die someday. I know my own children have come to me or my husband and with a tear in there eye, saying "I don't want you to die!" realizing that death is a part of life. I remember that childhood fear very well and maybe as of recently even more so. I usually tell them "mom's not going anywhere, your being silly!" I always laughed at the idea and think, don't they understand that I'm no way near old enough to die. And as I got older myself I realized the same about my parents and the fear seemed to go away. Until last Sunday April 19, 2015
If any one who knows my mother well knows how giving she is. Her willingness to serve is something beyond measure. Sometimes as a child it would bring me embarrassment but as an adult it has shaped my gratitude for everything around me. My mom has always put us and others first which is what a mother is supposed to do. But she has always gone above the call of duty. She is one to work herself into the ground until she has served ever last person, leaving her exhausted only to repeat her self the next day. Not thinking once of her self and her needs. I love and admire her for that.
Over the past year my mother has been sick. I know at times not sharing how sick she was with us. Playing cool so we would never worry about her. Still sick and coming to mine or brothers aid to help with grand kids and whatever else was asked of her. Around last Christmas we noticed that she was loosing weight and to us a lot. And I think as things worsened for her and symptoms became more apparent to others around her, it was easier to tell her self nothings really wrong and possibly more then that, a fear to go to the doctors and hear that there was. With her finally realizing so and my brother, I and our spouses telling her it was time to be seen. With doctor appointments in place, we were excited to get down to the bottom of all this, especially to finally see her out all the pain she was experiencing. Watching it affect her day to day activity's, and watching it deplete all energy she had. Unfortunately the two appointments she had didn't bring much news just some Ibuprofen and told a possible slipped disk. Crazy! we all thought knowing that something wasn't right and they had to be missing something. A little frustrated we waited to hear back about the labs that they had ordered, hopping that they would unlock the source to it all. Last Sunday came and a phone call to. My mom, wondering if it wasn't to much trouble if after she did laundry and cleaned her home I wouldn't mind taking her to the ER. Again my mother wanted to take care of other things before her self, which is a boundary we have learned not to cross. I waited as patiently as I could only wanting to take her NOW not before silly chores could be done. Seeing her in so much pain and praying that this time they have to find something. Waiting for sometime we were finally seen by such a wonderful ER doctor. Having him examine and thinking that this was something like swollen intestines, finally an answer to everything. They'll know how to fix it, give her the proper pain meds and we will be on our way, I thought. But it wasn't that simple. I am grateful for the Doctor's intuition to say let's do a CT scan just to make sure. Having to leave for a moment to check on my children in the waiting room, the nurse come out and said, "Your mothers CT results are back!" I quickly left my oldest in charge and ran back to her room to hear her results. I'll never forget walking into the room and seeing my mother in heavy tears and the doctor by her side comforting her. Quickly I asked what was wrong. My mother and doctor asked to call all my family to come up to the hospital and then the doctor would share what was going on. I tried to pressure my mom to tell me but I could see it was something I shouldn't push. I knew something had to be serious for them to ask to call and request family to come up. I ran outside, sad that I left my mom in a room alone crying and trying not to panic on the inside. My brother and Dad arrived quickly and we waited in the room until the doctor was ready to explain what was going on. The room was so quite all of us just staring at each other and you could see each of us on edge and my sweet mother trying lighten the mood with small talk. The time came and the doctor sat down with us a begin with all things that you know isn't going to wind up being good news. The BLOW was tough with it ending in loud sobs by my mother which lead to everyone in the room to break down. Our world that once was will never be the same.
They found two large masses in her uterus and fluid that does not belong thier as well as her lymph nodes in her spine and lower back are astronomically big. She is tired all the time and in a great deal of pain. Sleeping seems to make it all go away. In the next couple days will talk with her oncologist and talk treatment and find out exactly what kinda of monster we are dealing with.
So much thoughts and feelings at this moment that are for another date time. But I know that this isn't a death sentence and it can be beat and my family and I are ready to fight alongside every trail she will face. We will stay positive and optimistic but I wont lie that childhood fear that I shared in the beginning is there. It's real.