Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Scattered thoughts of honesty of my life and my morhers cancer

Almost a year ago we made a big decision. This big decision came with a lot of thought, excitement and some concern. The decision to move our family across the country was tough. The things that I would leave behind seemed so hard to give up. Up rooting our family, packing up seven people and nine years of marriage in just a few boxes, finding new doctors, not seeing family members on a constant base's. Family friends, cafe rio no but really I don't like seafood and there's no cafe rio! Now getting down to the wire to move, the things I would give up pale in comparison what I'm really about to give up. It all seemed so simple Dave would leave for  three months ahead of us to get started on his new job while I attended to the needs of our five children and packed up our home. It seemed tough but we were both willing to sacrifice some things for some amazing opportunities that would lay ahead . The time came and with many tears we said goodbye to Dave. I'm not going to lie how single mothers do it I'll never know. Much love and appreciation I have for them. These last three months has been some of the hardest months of my life. Physically. Emotional. Mentally. I knew it would be a difficult feat but I didn't realize all the things that have happened in the last three months would transpire the we they would, things that would make ones world completely turned upside down.

Now I don't share things to complain that my life isn't great that I'm not grateful for the many things I have been so greatly blessed with.  Or to have anyone feel sorry for me in any way. But a reminder to myself, my family, my children that we can do hard things that this isn't our first trial that we will face but some of many. As my three months of single motherhood began it was rough. I think the lack of father figure was hard at times on our kids to were they have tested me to no end. Warner especially,  he is a kid who's just needs his dad to be a constant.  It seemed the moment Dave left life just went down hill. And even worse feeling alone and not having my companion by side to cry with just frankly sucked!  A week before Dave left I had a miscarriage again. I have been so amazingly blessed to become pregnant so many times but at the same time have experienced loss and sadness. Losing a child is never easy. I have lost three. Yep you have heard that right I have been pregnant eight times. It seems that each time I hemredige, I end up in the E.R sometimes needing to be intapabeted and surgery. The last two times have been really hard on me physically. Emotional. Mentally. This one  more emotionally because there was no time to think about everything that happened. Dave was to leave that week and I needed to be ready to play mom and dad. Having many nights after he was gone crying alone and full of sadness. And as soon as I got myself together and got over everything what more could go wrong. Collins oh how I love my sweet Collins the joy she brings to our sweet family is immeasurable. She has been dealt with some tough cards to play in life and I only hope to teach her that you can win with a bad hand if you know to play them right. It was like has soon as my husband left crazy, scary things started happening with her. Things I wished my husband was here for. Second guessing myself and advocating for her that these breath holding spells are something more then what the doctors said they were. Watching her experience these acts of body  seizures and passing out. I have never been so scared as a mother wondering if she'll breath. As that came and went things settled back down but still crazy as ever. I tried to get back in the satel and get back to life as normal five kids,  therapy for Collins four times a week, teach art class at older kids school, speech for Warner and pack up house. That is our normal. As most know my biggest bomb shell came shortly after. Hearing my mom diagnosis with cancer is that world turned upside down thing I spoke of.  I thought what more can I handle I just can't take anymore.

When I meant I just couldn't take anymore I meant with all the different trials I have had in my life. And at the same moment I thought how can mom take on another trial so big in her life. She has been dealt her fair share. Now I want people to know how much faith I have in my Heavenly Father and would never blame him for anything he is what has been a constant guide in my life and someone who believes I can do anything even handing me and my family a platter full of trails and say's you got this! I couldn't imagine facing hard things without having faith in something. Not to bring up the past but to share how strong of a women my mother is. My mother born in  poor country having the opportunity to be adopted in Amercia and blessed with all that it would bring. She was blessed to come to a great family, a family were people admired my grandparents for all they did for all the seventeen kids they would eventually have. She has so many wonderful memories of siblings and family vacations. I love hearing about all of them. But in the same breath these were the parents who berated my mother and told her awful nasty things. Told her she was slow and stupid. To dark and should try to wash the dark out of her skin and would never amount to anything. I can't imagine being told that constantly by my parents the ones who are to love and protect me are doing the most damage. My mother has never made me feel that way. My mom would eventually marry when I was five and marry the only father figure I would ever know. My childhood wasn't a walk in the park, not your average childhood of fun, laughter and two loving parents but a home were cops frequented were drugs and alcohol were presents and a lot of domestic violence was being played out behind closed doors. Moments of watching my mother battered and left bloody on the floor. Locking my little brother in a closet just case my father would return. Peeking out the door wondering if I had time to make sure my mom was wake or knocked out. Dragging her to the room to help her clean up and running back to check on my scared little brother trying to convince him all will be ok not really knowing if I was ever really telling him the truth. This was life until I was fourteen. My dad left us and left us with nothing one day. Watching my mother having to start life all over alone with two kids. I'll never forget how hard this was on her. Putting me in a place as to counting on me to grow up fast to help because I was all she had. Sometimes resenting it because I just wanted to be kid. As my child googles have been removed and my adult ones have replaced them. There is so much my mom has taught me. Forgiveness has been one, we love my dad and are grateful for him that he takes care her has she battles her cancer. That they have learned to love each other and work together. Something my mother has always taught me is be grateful for everything including your trials especially your trials their is a purpose for them. She's right I would never change anything about my life it's had it's moment hardships. And along the way I have found the purpose of some of them. It brakes my heart that my mother has to battle yet another hrs trial. Stage 4 colon/uterine cancer is something I never thought would happen to anyone in my family. The thought of possibly loosing my mom will be one of the hardest trial I will ever face and I wonder if the many trials that have come and gone my life were for this moment. True honesty I feel like life just sucks sometimes and sometimes I just break down and cry in random places. Things now have gone from simple to complected, I'm now leaving my sick mother something I never would have done. The thought and feeling of abandoning my mother is one of the hardest decisions I have ever made I'll I've known is to step up and take care of things helping my mom playing other parent to my little brother is all I've ever known.

The last three months are now coming to a close and so much has happened, life has been one curve ball after another. We move next week and  I'm trying find the purpose to the all the trials I have been handed as of recently and feeling so blessed for my mother. I love her more than anyone will ever know. I'm leaving a lot more behind then all the things I thought were hard things to leave.